Author: Manu Mukerji

So you decided to join a cricket team. Saw some weird people from all over the world in weird colored clothing, hurling hard objects at one another, while others try to hit those hard things with a big wooden thing while at the same time enjoying the beautiful Ottawa weather. If so then...

Welcome. Cricket is the sport is for you. But be warned, you will face significant social barriers as you will be spending most of your weekends enjoying one of the best sports known to man and no one likes people enjoying themselves. So with that in mind here are some useful tips to avoid some of the more frequent protests.
One of the more primary issues that people face is how to deal with life getting in the way and how it will affect your partner. With this in mind here are some most commonly asked questions and how you, the young stallion, the new STAR player can handle such minutiae.

You are going to be gone for how long?
The idea that needs to be imparted here is that the time that you are gone is spent missing your significant other. Explain that you need to do this because people are counting on you. I mean you are only playing because that other guy who was supposed to play is "injured". You will do all the chores when you get back for sure, no matter what the time.

What about the chores from last week that you said you would do? Promise to do them as well, when you return.
You will not be celebrating with your team again right?
Tricky. This one requires presumption that you will win the game, and how could you not. You play for the winningest (it is a word if I say it is) team. Assume that the question will be asked before you leave. Using George Bush’s war strategy of pre-empting attacks, while getting ready suggest a lovely night out with the team after a win. Trust me, your teammates are doing the exact same thing at that VERY moment with their partners. You can extol virtues of great company which might be just the thing that would cheer your significant other up. I mean the stress of the undone chores need to be forgotten and weekends are a time to let one's hair down. How many times has George Bush been wrong?

So how much is all of this going to cost.
Easiest one to deflect. Point out how doing this is an investment into your own health. Instead of a gym membership (eeyuch) you will be spending time with like minded adults playing a beautiful sport in the gorgeous Ottawa summer. Much better than a sweaty gym.

Wait. If it's so beautiful outside, why am I doing all your chores from 3 weeks ago? Invite your partner to come to the game. This is a good thing because you will get a ride to the game and more importantly, no matter how poorly you do, there will be someone to cheer you on. It is worth remembering to promise to do the chores when you get back, and this time you mean IT.

Why do you smell so bad?
Explain to your partner that is the smell of success. Caution: Under no circumstance should you attempt to hug your partner while garbed in your sweaty clothes.

What if I have no partner?
Make said excuses to your pet. No pet, no problem. Make excuses to your coffee mug. I am sure it loves you. Keep in mind though that if your pet, mug is talking to you and asking these questions, you might want to consult your general physician.

My partner has left me because of cricket.
Good. Now you have all the time to devote to the sport. Hone your body and sharpen your mind. I am sure your partner will come back once they see the changes that you have made.

How to explain to your friends what cricket is all about?
Is it like croquet? You know the game where you play with a hammer like thing?

Possibly one of the most common confusions. Feel free to punch the person. Once the person regains consciousness refer them to a Wikipedia entry, or drag them out to a game. Be warned, because you have recently punched them, they might resist. Take this to be a good sign of an ignorant mind returning to sanity and redouble your efforts.

So why are do people hurling those hard balls yell so much?
Good question. Assuming you have tried the aforementioned method and your "friend" is sufficiently enlightened. Explain to them that at times the umpire (the guy in the lab coat) falls asleep, and by yelling "HOOOOWWWWZZZZAAAAAATTTT" in a loud and obnoxious tone, you are providing a public service announcement. After all, the hard round ball-like thing could hit him. Also if you can get some of your hooligan friends masquerading as a team to join in you get additional points.

So what are the three sticks in the ground?
Assuming you have attempted method the first, you will now come to the realization that this person is beyond help. Sever all ties with them. Contact their family and express sympathies at the fact that they know this individual and counsel them.

Can I come watch?
This is the friend that should be encouraged. Inculcate them into the cult of cricket sport of cricket.
Why do those guys have red stains around their crotches, mud on their knees? In short why are they not eating cucumber sandwiches and drinking gin and tonics?
The classic misconception of cricket being a gentlemen’s sport is a stigma that you will face quite often. This needs to be changed. Take candies from babies, instead of opening doors for people, barricade them. In fact, do anything that will portray you as a complete and utter prat. That way when your friends and/or family see you on the field (assuming you have any friends and/or family left at this point in time) throwing yourself around, getting dirty etc, yelling in obnoxious manners, rubbing a hard object around your crotch would just be chalked up to your regular behaviour and nothing more. And since you will in company of similar individuals, no one will ever think of cricket as a "gentleman's game".

With this knowledge, you should be able to conquer any challenges. Should you receive a question that you do not know how to respond to, contact your cricket club president, your team captain and your ride to the game.

Why? Because it is highly likely, if you ran into a question you cannot answer back to, more than likely, you are not making it to the game.

So get out there. Make me and your mom proud. Oh yea, that is a "your momma" joke.